Last night I had this dream:
I was in a foreign country and I was a foreigner. We were amidst an Olympic game of sorts, where the children, myself included, were fighting, but play. It was boys against girls and the boys had rubber suction arrows which they'd sling at the girls, with a bow. If they stuck to the girl's skin, however many number of times, the girl would be out. The girls on the other hand, had puffy jackets to cover their skin, with only their neck showing. The target area was very small. That was the only advantage. They did not have any way of getting the boys out. All they could do was work towards was defending themselves and not getting arrowed.
At one point, I tired of the game and I took off my puffy jacket to take a shower. I was not sure how many times I had been pelted, but it didn't matter. I had removed my armor and was washing myself clean of the game.
Or was I?? I began taking a shower, only to realize that I had an enormous audience watching, as the showers were on a stage down below, in an auditorium that seated at least one hundred people. Yet I wasn't aware I was being watched, until I noticed people in the audience who I hadn't seen for years and years and wanted to get their attention to say hello. Once I was successful at that, I realized the vulnerable position I was in and quickly wished I hadn't gotten them to notice me.
And then something very strange happened. I saw a woman selling things, in a booth, at the bottom of the auditorium. She was a native of the country, which by now it appeared was somewhere in the Middle East. She had this amazing display of goods, but no business name, no logo and no brand.
At this point I had finished my shower and proceeded to ask her what her brand was, for her goods. She had yet to learn a translation for the word "brand", so I began attempting to explain what it meant, buy using an example of a Christmas light decorating company I had seen being used around the neighborhoods. I asked her if she knew of the company, and she did. I asked her if she had seen their signs staked down into yards around the neighborhood, and she had. I further explained that the company had a name and a logo and that they used a certain "brand" of light bulbs which they promoted, on their signs.
It was at that point, a light bulb went off in her head, and success eventually followed...
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When I was 21 years old, I began dating a man. Even at age 25, he was more man than I have ever, dated today, in the sense that he was good at so many things and made those things so appealing and interesting about which to learn because he was so confident and trustworthy and took care of himself and let me take care of myself, while giving a few pointers along the way (No offense to those I've subsequently dated. I am happy we did and wouldn't have changed anything, please know that). But I took it for granted, having found someone who loved me and supported me, unconditionally, when I was so incredibly young.
Yet that was just the problem. We had found each other when I was too young, and I forced separation and heartbreak by uprooting myself and moving to Africa, convincing myself there was more to explore.
Explore, I did. I don't regret that decision but from time to time, I think about that man and I wish him well.
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As we grow older, it's hard not to look back and think about the past and where it might have gone, had we made a different decision. Should we have moved across the country to take that job? Marry that man? Watch our parents age?
What are we looking for out of a partner? I thought I had exhausted asking that question to myself, but as it turns out, I had never really put it into words.
For some of us, we are a world of lists. Words written down help us stay focused on our tasks and recognize the need for order and organization in our lives. Grocery lists, lists to do around the house, taking back lists, travel destination lists, work lists, the lists go on and on. So why, after all these years of working off of lists, had I not made a list of what I'm looking for in a partner? Maybe because it seemed slightly narcissistic and egotistic to me. Why should I rule out getting to know someone because they don't have quality on my "list"? I feel like each and every one of us should have the opportunity to get to know someone for themselves, in order to find out if we are truly compatible, whether as a friend or, ultimately, intimate relationship. Like I've talked about before, I believe we have ability to manifest our own destiny and happiness.
So with the start of the new year, I decided not only to make a list of resolutions for myself, to work towards and hopefully help me become a better person, I have added a partnership list to my list.
I list you the best of luck in 2013!
